


Bite Me (But Actually, Please Don’t)

by kabrox18



Category: Doom (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Gen, helmet jaws au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 12:05:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17960177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kabrox18/pseuds/kabrox18
Summary: in which the slayer is basically a people-shaped gator with an even shorter fuse. hayden is sick of him.





	Bite Me (But Actually, Please Don’t)

**Author's Note:**

> some shit dude. your guess is good as mine.
> 
> helmet jaws ‘lore’ mmmight be posted/edited in as an image url.

Hayden pushes the button to open the line to the Slayer, leaning in a little.

 

“I think it’s time we met in person. My office is on the second floor.” That helmet jerks, and he swears he can see a fraction of a grin cross that ugly metal mug.

 

He flips the feed to the nest in front of the entrance door, noting how little time it took for the little brat to show up. It’s flawless, too, of course; he knocks out the possessed and nest, then picks up one of those stupid, unusable artifacts and proceeds to rub it in just how  _ poorly _ they could handle demonic items.

 

Once it’s all clear, the door unlocks with a cheery  _ ding! _ Hayden stands, stepping out. He waited by the door, ready to get the Slayer by surprise. He does, of course, but in return, he’s surprised too.

 

“Apologies for the jolt,” he says, flatly, clearly not being sincere, but glares down and past him. “...I knew you wouldn’t take it willingly.” He was dragging a  _ hellknight corpse _ behind him. By the leg. Slayer grumbles, but follows his gaze, looking back.

 

“ **Mine,** ” he huffs.

 

“You cannot take that in my office,” Hayden snaps.

 

“ **Yes!** ”

 

“You aren’t coming in until you leave it.” Slayer rears back, and for a moment Hayden honestly thinks he’s going to attempt something, but he just snarls something, turning and dropping into a kneel.

 

“ **Fine. Wait.** ” He sniffed, looking over one shoulder at the cyborg, obviously annoyed.

 

“Wait for what? You to further mutilate a dead demon? Get in here, and leave that thing.”

 

“ **No!** ” He hunches over it, and Hayden steps out to just grab the frustrating little shit and  _ drag _ him in, but the corpse moves too. And that’s when he realizes that the Hellwalker is  _ feeding _ on it. He makes a muffled, angry noise, giving a mighty, violent jerk as he swipes blindly behind himself, completely missing Hayden’s head. He struggles in Samuel’s grasp, squirming right out of his arms and landing unceremoniously.

 

“What are you  _ doing? _ ” He demands, even though he knows. Slayer pulls up a long strip of meat, looking back at the doctor with it just hanging from his mouth. He grumbles something unintelligible but swallowed it all down in one go, diving in again. Clearly, they’d be here a while. Hayden throws a hand up in annoyance, but decides to sit and just talk here. “Fine. If you  _ insist _ on being  _ here.” _

 

He grumbles, clambering over to the other side of the corpse, biting into its side and planting his hands to yank at the tough meat. It comes apart unevenly, and Hayden can feel the human part of him squirm and cringe in disgust.

 

“Must you be such a…  _ messy eater?” _ He questions, a little wobbly. The Slayer just pauses to look at him, for once not hissing or spitting like the deranged cat he seemed to usually be. He straddles it, examining the way he’d messily torn off it’s head, then feels down the middle of its chest, prodding hard. He pulls back, and  _ crunch. _

 

Hayden jerks a tiny bit when that one hit shattered bone, and jerks again when he starts pulling, dragging the rib cage and chest apart. One hand stays up, the other dives in to fish around the cavity, and he rips out some bizarre looking organ—definitely not the heart, but apparently a delicacy, as he stuffs the whole thing plus his own fist in his maw, licking up the yellowish fluid that it left on his hand. It dives back in, coming back with the heart.

 

“I have never seen something so repulsive in all my life,” Hayden observes, while the Hellwalker pulls the heart apart, tossing what must be  _ unappetizing bits _ over his shoulder carelessly, gnawing roughly on the rest. “But I can’t stop watching. You’re so methodical. You have favorite parts, and stuff you don’t like.” He looks down to the body again, with the chest all torn open, flesh stripped to the bone on one leg. The rest of the unpleasant parts are dumped in the pile with the rest, and he goes back down to the leg, gripping the bone with his bloodied, tacky gauntlets, twisting just so and prying the femur from its place.

 

He sets it aside, belching loudly and going to stuff more meat in his face, apparently not quite done. It only takes a few moments, though; he must’ve been close. Hayden stands, watching the way he grabs the bone, keeping it close and stepping over to Samuel, allowing him to lead the way. He sighs, taking them back in and to his office, ignoring the mess that the Slayer leaves behind. He steps in, gesturing.

 

“There are supplies, if you need them.” He picks a few things up, stashing them in his various pockets and spaces, before plunking into a chair across from him at the desk. He seems to be listening, more or less, but elects to gnaw near the head of the femur instead of saying anything. Hayden watches a moment, explaining the Helix stone, glancing up every so often to see him crack the bone open. His greedy tongue and teeth and fingers are all grabbing at the marrow and shoving it down his throat; never satisfied, it seems.

 

“Tell me,” he starts, jolting the Hellwalker out of his apparent reverie, “do you ever not feel hungry?” It seems to catch him off guard, and he sits there a long moment, puzzling over the question.

 

“ **...No.** ”

 

“So, you’re constantly feeling like you need to eat, immediately?” He nods, seeming confused by the sudden questioning. “Has it always been this way?”

 

“ **No.** ”

 

“I see.” He laces his fingers together and rests his faceplate against them lightly, a little amused by how stunned he is. “So sometime in Hell, you were… biologically altered. And now you have a steel bear trap for a mouth, and a bottomless hunger.” He grumbles something, obviously uncomfortable being out on the spot. Hayden doesn’t intend to stop, though. “Would you be opposed to letting me study you?”

 

“ **Yes.** ” Those teeth click shut harshly over the hiss, and he chucks the lump of inedible bone at the doctor, who catches it. He tips it over, examining the long scars left behind by those teeth.

 

“Well that’s a damn shame,” he sighs, and taps the lock for the office door. It clicks shut and the Slayer whips around, staring at it for a long time before slowly turning back. Hayden notes that his biometrics have picked up considerably, and files away the reaction. He’s obviously gearing up for a fight, but Samuel has better ideas.

 

“ **No,** ” he growls, going rigid when Hayden stands slowly, walking around casually. He drops the bone, going to attack, but Hayden pins him to the chair in a burst of movement. He snarls and struggles, lurching forward and coughing suddenly.

 

“Now what are you doing?” He gurgles and coughs wetly again, spitting up a wad of something disgusting that hisses and fizzles against the barrier shield Hayden’s got. He just chuckles. “Ah, fascinating. Biological defenses. Did you steal that acid from what you ate?” Slayer hisses again, throaty and vicious. He also snaps down hard on the part of Hayden closest to him, jaws clamping on with a few  _ thousand _ pounds of force. He swears and tries to pull away, but the damn thing stays latched on.

 

He manages to wrap his fingers around those weird pseudo-metal lips, pulling hard and forcing him to loosen up. He yanks out of that maw, but clearly he’s misstepped; the Hellwalker lunges after him, tackling him down and pinning him instead.

 

“If you’d  _ just let me look at you more closely-“ _ he snaps, but is backhanded hard enough that some system screeches a warning, and his vision blanks out for a moment.

 

“ **Fuck you!** ” He roars, right in his face. He’s drooling now, rotten, reeking fluid making those dangerous teeth reflect his blue optic light back at him.

 

“You can’t do anything,” Hayden retorts. “You don’t eat metal.”

 

“ **Chew…** ” He says, all rage put out for a moment as he grasps around the invisible barrier, prodding and feeling for a weakness.

 

“You can’t chew on me!” Hayden hollers, offended. “I’m not some stupid demon you can just drag around and use to gnaw on!” The Slayer stares at him, clearly nonplussed, and continues to feel around, only for his hands to be smacked away. “No! That’s enough!” He shoves the brat off, managing to stun him long enough to force shutdown the Praetor. It doesn’t stop his jaws, apparently, because he gives another gator-hiss and snaps at his long fingers.

 

“ **Let me up!** ”

 

“I think  _ not. _ If you won’t cooperate willingly, I’ll make you.” He grabs that big stupid face, and prices open the jaws, both straining against each other. Hayden peers in, examining the twin rows of triangular, deadly-sharp teeth. It was like staring into a shark’s mouth, but with the bite force of a gator, and only two rows of teeth. His throat was wide and seemed stretchy, and his jaws parted freakishly, like a snake.

 

“ **Rrrraaaaggghh!** ” He roared, still struggling as much as he could. Hayden ignored it, but yanked his hands out quick, letting those teeth clack shut. He glares at the doctor, obviously pissed, but concedes this defeat and looks away.

 

“You are impossible,” Hayden huffs, but grabs a hold of his blunt, brown snout. Sure enough, that keeps his nasty jaws pinned shut. “Oh, good. You can’t bite me if you can’t open your mouth,” he mocks, almost amused now by the sheer volume of anger in this freak of a person. “Now that I’ve looked into that rotten mouth of yours, I can let you go. You monster.” He gets up, still holding his mouth shut, and only when he’s a good way away does he finally release his snout.

 

“ **Die,** ” he snarls, packing as much violent contempt as he can into that one word. He's still frozen in place, suit locked up around him. Hayden allows him up, but he doesn’t attack. Just rolls off to the side, prickling with frustration and sulking. Samuel sits again, unlocking the door.

 

“Elevators are at the end of the hall,” he offers, flat. Slayer stands up, scowling, and glares daggers at the doctor as he heads out.


End file.
